Lets Pretend Like We've Just Met.

Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long.

No matter what I said I’ll do, I still feel you here till I am gone.

You hold without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

You loved me because I’m fragile and I thought I was strong.

But you touched me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

You’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go but one thing I still know,

Is that you’re keeping me...down.

your gravity.

Leaving to Bali in a bit. You know what I am going to miss most?

Bubble tea!

(i know Don you're showing me your sweat face now :D, lol)

 I'll miss Don, more than bubble tea :)

Hollywood waxed. All set for Bali.

Loves.

"what i wasn't sure of when i was with you"

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow.

Tonight you're mine completely
You give your love so sweetlyI'm afraid of love, to love. 

Tonight the light of love is in your eyes

Will you still love me tomorrow?

Is this a lasting treasure

Or just a moment's pleasure?

Can I believe the magic of your sighs?

Will you still love me tomorrow?

Tonight with words unspoken

And you say that I'm the only one, the only one, yeah

But will my heart be broken

When the night meets the morning star?

I'd like to know that your love

Is love I can be sure of

So tell me now, cause I won't ask again

Will you still love me tomorrow?

Will you still love me tomorrow?

 


So afraid of something so beautiful may not be mine to keep forever.
The thought of knowing that what I know as love would turn out to be something that would not last forever after all. Temporary.

Would you rather die while it lasts than to survive it's death?

"it's the one that i tried, to hide over and over again"

It Shall Soon Come To Past.

I want to break free, oh I want to breakkkk freeee! (:

Soon, I will post up a picture of myself similar like the one above, haha. BALI here I come! Looking forward to swimming with dolphins, wee. I am so excited. I hope the Bungee Jumping place won't have an issue with me being underweight -.- , I want to bungee jump!

I have been visiting my love, the maltese. It puts a smile on my face, just like that.

Side story, I'm trusting the nature of time. The wound will slowly close up and soon only a faint scar will remain.

Can you please buy me the maltese? I want :(

Nights, X.

"but it felt so good, i wanna do it again"

Spit Me Out.

frustrated, because i will never be good enough. it shouldn't matter. right? i strive to be good enough, not even the best because enough never seems to be enough for you. maybe my honesty and blatant opinions are painful but it takes quite a bit of courage and love to even get those words out. if you were looking for the typical answers or encouragement, maybe i couldn't deliver that, at least for tonight.

i hate going to bed feeling this way. my heart is so uneasy, like please stop toying with my emotions. then again, who the hell cares. fcuk this shit. i want to scream. scream so loud just so this feeling would go away. i am giving up. if only easy was really that easy.

whoever gave you the power/ability to make me feel this way, should go to hell.

okay, i should pray now. be the better person i can be.

p/s: Don, i need a hug :(

"you feel good being lost because you know you are going to be found again"

Hunting!

ALASKAN MALAMUTE

Boo! I want my own TITAN :(

so beautiful right? fierce looking.

damn hot right to take it for walks ;)

like hotter than carrying a Gucci bag.

I WANT!

by any chance, anyone know any breeders in Malaysia? no? highly doubt it.

Note to self: save money to buy TITAN.

ey, I know you want also okay!

"say it like you mean it!"

The Bed of Roses.

There is so much I want to express now, about my day. No, seriously, you have no idea. But I rather blog about something more happy and optimistic rather than whining about what happened.

Confusion, is nothing new

SOOOOOO.......  this is putting a smile on my face now,

(this picture was taken ages ago, okay lar fine, last CNY, chubby cheeks -.-)

I want a MALTESE. *i want i want i want i want!* Damn rare moment okay you see me carrying a dog/puppy. I love dogs, I have 3 of them (golden retriever, rottweiler & a beagle) but I'm scared of dogs, wth -.-  Maybe cause I don't take care of them, maybe.

Why can't all dogs be like the Loong's Bruno? Well disciplined and good looking. I can walk in and out, feeling safe because it just sits still and stare at me instead of pouncing on me and sniffing my legs or licking wherever. I know, the irony of feeling safe around a tame dog. Lol. But that's my problem la okay.

Actually, it will be nice to blame it on my brother Deon. When I was young, I witness him being bitten by my aunt's dog, Joey. The flesh on his calves was... hanging 0_o. Ever since, I know I am scared of dogs that come and sniff/chase/play/lick/jump/whatever a dog can do la basically on/with me.

But a MALTESE is simply adorable. I will dress the MALTESE up and take care of it if it doesn't get too playful  and will attempt not to give up halfway. Ha!

(Blue eyes Siberian Husky and Mr.Chow Chow)

These are the other two bigger dogs that I am in love with. I would like a fat lazy Chow Chow and a really sexy husky.  Both also damn high maintenance but it is worth it okay when people envy from a far if when I take them for walks, Haha.

I know what I am going to name them, do you? Hee.

"it's been a long time coming"

Say, I Remember You!

Dear Anonymous,

I think I am a mean person. The intentions of my heart are always so corrupted. I have very anal thoughts and as much as I hate people that can be malicious or conniving, I feel like I am just the same, not any better. The sense of conviction takes a toll on me like a rock everytime I am forced to deal with my emotions which will then of course lead me to this emotional turmoil and I become a wreck.

It scares me that I am capable of hurting someone  anyone feelings just like that, whenever I want to or I feel like it. But God is fair, really fair. My karma came in one package -.- Yet, I am selfish and stubborn to do anything about it. It is very hard to be nice to people I don't want to be nice to. I can't pretend to like someone that I actually don't like the rest out there. Maybe I am somewhat nice that way considering if you are not within my league, I won't make you feel like you are fitting it and instead, I will make sure you get the hint. At least you are not being lied to and you don't have to waste your time being my friend.

I am fussy with friends. There is only so much of love I can offer. Hence me being fussy with friends. Don't get me wrong, I am not the kind to only be-friend you if you are beautiful or rich. I am selective only because I know I will go the extra mile for that handful of good friends that I have and I don't want to make any empty promises to those that I know I won't go the extra mile for.

Take note, just because I hang out with the same clique over and over again does not make me less friendly or sociable. It is NOT wrong to have a particular clique I am confortable with. My handful of good friends naturally makes me a nice person, so I don't have to pretend to be nice :)

So, think again. Do you want to be my friend?

Love, Anonymous.

"i think you'll make a pretty cool mind reader"

And She Jumped.

and when she took the risk, over and over again, with her whole heart she anticipated for a safe landing.

there is so much fear within, you have no idea.

i think she smiled too soon. her foolishness made her drown when she landed.

that brink of excitement was so temporary.

now, she's waiting. will you jump, too?

save her, if you will.

"cause you and i collide"

Out Of Reach.

At the moment,

(on the same page ever since, don't laugh)

I am feeling unproductive. I need to focus and not have my thoughts swaying back and forth.

(In HongKong, the cages are for people like me to make wishes)

Say, will you take me away? Far enough for me to be happy and far enough for you to put a smile on my face? Maybe if things were less temporary, I might actually be content with things.

(tadpole lookalike thingy that I can't find it here -.-)

Concurrently, I am craving to have this dessert. If I had the money, I would fly down to HK just to have it and maybe to take a 'scenery shot' in TongPakFu ;)

And Oh, I want to go watch the dolphin show.

Thinking Out Loud now, Okay, Bye.

"so lonely inside, so busy out there"

If You Hold Me Close Enough.

I'm back (:

A proper spill of thoughts and what nots soon.

At the moment, I just want to say it feels good to be back because I despise the fact I can't speak or read Chinese properly and the fact that travelling alone takes the whole excitement of taking pictures away, boo.

Can you read my smile?

And how much is so much?

"So much is to the extend intended, a great amount in degree and quantity"

I want you to kidnap me, bleh.

Nights.

"I know what I want, do you?"

I Miss You, Too.

Let my adventure begin!

As I roam the streets alone, I'll think of you and as those memories fade vaguely, I hope it'll stay there and I won't turn back and pick it up.

I waited. You were still nowhere to be found.

I'm going to do this alone, as always.

X.

Don't Speak.

I'm going to continue smiling. Leaving in a few hours and I lost all excitement.

You were on my mind. Where are you?  When you said you were going to always be there, you lied.

Do you know how it feels to impulsively runaway from your troubles and not knowing whether they will disappear at the end of the day or not. The idea of trying so hard to gather my feelings and maintain my composure and doing this for myself is scary okay. The part where I choose to ignore my thoughts that can drive one insane is the worse I think. I don't want to walk alone in the streets and constantly feel worried about this shit. Do you know how it feels? I have so much to say to you because no one else deserves to go through this shit with me but you.

So, where are you again? It's not fair.

"more than some pretty face inside a train"

Do You Have To Let It Linger?

Baby Hips.

Baby Fei.

Baby Love.

Baby Bugger.

Guess who's back in my room? Kids :) Considering I'm running away in a few hours time, it wouldn't be nice to abandom them in the car. It has been sometime since they were all united to accompany me to sleep. Note: Just because I still talk about the Kids, this should not imply anything in anyway, my feelings attached to them is at another level.

 I'm listening to Linger by the Cranberries now. Mmm.

If you, if you could return

Don't let it burn, don't let it fade

I'm sure I'm not being rude

But it's just your attitude

It's tearing me apart

It's ruining everything

I swore, I swore I would be true

And honey so did you

So why were you holding her hand

Is that the way we stand

Were you lying all the time

Was it just a game to you

Oh, I thought the world of you

I thought nothing could go wrong

But I was wrong, I was wrong

If you, if you could get by

Trying not to lie

Things wouldn't be so confused

And I wouldn't feel so used
But you always really knew

I just wanna be with you

And I'm in so deep, you know I'm such a fool for you

You got me wrapped around your finger

Do you have to let it linger

Do you have to, do you have to

Do you have to let it linger?

:) I can only think of one thing atm. I know I heard this song again and found it nice while watching the movie 'CLICK' in Penang.  Then again, just a thought.

It's been awhile since Don and I heard a particular song and we smiled at each other. I knew what she was thinking, vise versa ;) And it's great. Really a great feeling to know how we can look back and truly, things are surely different.

I have a question, will you miss me.... while I'm gone? HAHAHA.

Against all odds? Sudahlah.

"Kan kujadikan kau kenangan yang terindah dalam hidupku"

Why Can't I.

Good morning people.

I couldn't sleep the whole of last night. I even resorted to counting sheeps and Don told me to pretend to sleep -.- Wth, pretend. Haha. It was very torturing because I know I had to sleep and I wanted to sleep. Hence me being slightly cranky today or maybe I'm just overwhelmed with emotions. You know the feeling of having many thoughts and feelings but you can't even identify each one of them because there are way too many? Yeah, that's how I feel now and in 15 minutes time, I'm going to be presenting on E-business. Perfect.

I like being cuddled to sleep. I just like to be the manja one. I like you to hold me tight enough and when I'm settled, I'll turn one side and leave you alone to sleep and when I am bored again, I'll cuddle you or crawl to you and expect you to do the 'tsk annoyed' sound just so I know you know I'm in your arms. I like stealing bolsters away just so I can be the bolster. Anal.

Okay, I just blogged like an idiot. Again I stress on this, I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what's running through my head. 

Bye, we're TIGHT :)

"we were as one babe, for a moment in time"

Hi, Do You Need a Girl?

I crave for bubble tea atm, shit.

I am in disbelief. This is utter bullshit. I am embarassed at myself and mad at the same time because I realized for the past 3 years, it has been a whole load of bull that I had put myself through. THREE YEARS, omg.

I remembered dwelling in the well of happiness before. I fervently hoped that it'll never dry up. But what are hopes for after all? To be dashed again and again. Lost in thoughts. I find myself sitting dejectedly on my bed, it's like I'm enveloped in bleak darkness. I try to eradicate certain news but I can't eradicate reality. I feel like a bloody albatross is around my neck. Questions are asked but those premature answers are well hidden in the disappointing amenities afforded us.

The purpose of life is a life of purpose. The meaning of life is not an unquestionable answer but it's an unanswerable answer. Life is simple but it's not easy. We human tend to expect the world to treat us fairly because we are 'good' but it's just like expecting a bull to not charge at you just cause you're vegetarian. Life is half spent before we know what it is. It's a series of collision with the future and a series of trying to make up your own mind. It's like a big judgement call where our actions and mistakes in life are easier to get into than out of it. Life is like a shit sandwich. But you know what? If you've got enough bread, you don't taste the shit. Life is easier than you'd think. All that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable. When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Perhaps we are looking at this from a wrong perspective; this search for the truth, the meaning of life, the reason of God. We all have this mindset that the answers are so complex and so vast that it is almost impossible to comprehend. I think, on the contrary, that the answers are so simple; so simple that it is staring us straight in the face, screaming its lungs out, and yet we fail to notice it. We're looking through a telescope, searching the stars for the answer, when the answer is actually a speck of dirt on the telescope lens. We should give meaning to life and not wait for life to give us meaning. Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it to a good joke instead of a bad one?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me". Amen.

 

Nights.

 

"everynight she had tears in her eyes for me"

Thinking Cap.

she stood infront of her and stares deeply into her eyes.
she wish she could have answers to her questions but there were only sighs of pain and hurt.
she couldn't say anything more.
she thought to herself frantically as she battle for answers from her.

did you exist to show the world how vulnerable you are?
did you exist to prove that there isn't anything else worth living and that you are actually trapped in this sorry life and you have no choice but to live in it?
did you exist for sympathy from the livings in your life?
did you exist to prove you're a fresh piece of flesh ready to be sliced again and again?
did you exist to prove that you have failed again?

after so long, is this what you've turned out to be?
after so long, is this why you still want to be haunted?

what is it that you're still holding on for?
you were at this very same state of life last month, last week and even yesterday.
you are looking at your very same broken hearted self daily.
escape and deny all you want but there isn't anyone to be blamed but your sorry self.

you chose to be defenceless.
you chose to be weak.
you chose to be taken for granted.
you chose to give it your all.
you chose to believe.
you chose to love.
you chose to be crushed.
you chose to be hurt even when you know it would.

so hate yourself cause you deserve every inch of it.
there will still be no answers to your questions and even if there is, you wouldn't take it.
you wouldn't want to face it as you'll be too hurt too.

or you can go easy on yourself and  hold on.
so you either breathe or bleed on.
 

your call.

"cause i hated the heartbreak, the crying, the cheating, the fooling around"

Sixes and Sevens

Hi people, Meet Bugger (:

Right now, at this point of time, I'm smiling like Bugger :D

People say that when you smile often enough, you will manage to fool/con cajol yourself to feeling happy. Is that true? You try it.

There are thoughts that are killing me because guess what? It's late.

I just choose not to think about it.

Because the more I think of it, the more I think of you and next thing I know... you're not there, again. No where to be found.

But then again, you won't even understand because it means nothing to you.

I'm sorry but your words don't justify your actions.

I wish I knew where I fell short to be stuck in this maelstrom.

Delaine is excited and worried at the same time about running away because I'm going to be freaking ALONE. I really don't know what to anticipate. One thing I do know is, this escapade will help me regain my sanity temporarily. Counting down, 3 days time!

The heart is a wonderful gift from God, I'm giving mine time to mend.

And you, stop dilapidating it.

"if you miss out on life, they win"

I Remembered Begging For A Hug.

After all you put me through

You'd think I'd despise you

But in the end I wanna thank you

Cause You made me that much stronger

Well I thought I knew you

Thinking that you were true

Guess I couln't trust you

Called your bluff

Time is up cause I've had enough

You were there by side

Always down for the ride

But your joy ride just came down in flames

Cause your greed sold me out in shame

After all of the crying and cheating

You'd think I'll hold resentment for you

But oh no you're wrong

Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do

I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through

I never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing

Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I realized your game

I heard you're going around playing the victim now

But don't even begin to feel like I'm the one to blame

Because you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and lies

Guess you're wanting to hurt me

But that won't work anymore, it's over

Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture

I wouldn't know how to be this way now and to never back down

How could this man I thought I knew turned out to be so unjust and so cruel

I could only see the good in you, Pretended not to see the truth

You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself through living in denial

But in the end you'll see, you won't stop me

I am a fighter, I ain't gonna stop

There is no turning back, I've had enough.

Makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder

Makes me that much wiser,

Made me learn a little bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker

Makes me that much smarter

So, Thank You for making me a fighter.

"please come already, please"

You May Now Kiss Your Bride, Wait in your case, Brides.

After all that..? Where did you find the conscience to do to whatever you have been doing or whatever you have been saying? I want to know. I want to how you do it. It's like one after another. You knew the significance of it but yet, you took it as though... oh wait, you were probably too caught up, staring. I'm astonished. How about you teach me how to comprehend all these unnecessary information shit when I don't even want to know any of it? I'm waiting for the day. Where is the sanity in all these crap? The assumption that one would be compelled to be a little  more sane and human after what happened was probably a big mistake. So here's to you, with all my heart I hope you experience and literally feel the pain that you put me through just so you will never put someone else in my shoes. Then again, in my own words, I'm the only one. And these are the nights, I pray to God and ask him for peaceful sleeps and hold back my tears cause sometimes, playing pretend like I'm a strong girl is better than not playing pretend at all.

Da, Nights.

Wait, what were you thinking?

You see, I thought you'd always be there. Even if it's faraway or out of sight.

"it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time"

Food For Thought.

What is LOA?

The Lack of attention disorder is related to autism 0_0. The disorder is common and creates problems for both parents and children. In this case, it would be friends. The origin of the disorder is a lack of attention, or the impression by the child of a lack of attention

What are the Symptoms?

Continuously restless and impulsive.

Cannot sit quietly when needed, moves constantly with hands and feet and is quickly diverted by incentives from the environment.

Has difficulty doing what they're asked and does not finish what it started. This is caused by their inability to focus its attention.

Have a habit to comment on anything that happens in their vicinity. They are often chaotic and continuously loose things.

Become unruly when they discover not being well understood. This characteristic may even continue after becoming an adult.

They are too confused to get things started.

They tend to be daydreamers.

Can You Spot The LOA one below?

I hope you guessed the right one ;)

(Congrats, you guessed correctly!)

This post is dedicated to my beloved friend. I love you, so much and in my eyes, you're not LOA cause I give you enough :)

Everything above was not made up, I did some mini research okay. So now you know what LOA really means, so don't simply use it.

Oh, SUPRISE -.-

"i'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted"

According To You.

While I was lining up alone in the mall, I saw an old popo and kong kong buying movie tickets today. There are your typical 'cannot make it, not happening' kind of popo and kong kong. They were old, the white hair hunching back kind. The popo was quite skinny and the kong kong is a bit taller and bigger than her. Have I mentioned that they were old? No, I'm not being mean, you'll see my point in a bit.

I was so geram at the malay dude that was in between that couple and I because he was inhuman for telling the popo and kong kong off just cause they were a bit slow. ISH. Anyway, I was practically staring and analysing them. Don't comment.

They looked so happy together. Like can you imagine, the kong kong is actually taking his wife out on a date? God knows what movie they were planning to watch. I wished I snapped a picture of them but then I'll just look like some weirdo in the mall. Dah lah, I was alone. LOL.

The moment that killed me was when he turned and looked at her and like.. mmm, stroke her face and smiled at her? k la, touch her face. Like what most boys/mens would do to their girlfriends. But i mean, they're OLD already okay. That was an 'aww' moment.

It caught me off guard when he did that to her and my imagination ran wild. I started my own story telling session in my head. I never thought I'd see an old couple doing this whole movie and face touching thing in a mall. They were alone you know, not with their kids or grandkids. So either this couple is one of those couple that:

Option A: They had an arrange marriage back then but was lucky and blessed that they managed to love each other during their marriage.

Option B: They were madly in love back then but parents objected, so they elope and manage to stand by each other through thick and thin and that's why they are so happily in love till now.

I like the latter better cause it seems more dramatic. You?

In a few more minutes, it's 2nd January 2010. I would like to stop thinking, right about now.

Nights.

Maybe I Deserve It.

Heyy 1/1/2010,

I wasn't very pleased with how I woke up this morning and what followed after that was even worse. This emotional turmoil isn't as great or as fun as you think. I am upset, so upset that it had to be this way. I felt so pathetic till the extent I had to seek help from my good friend, Google -.- and this is what I found ;) Okay fine, it made me laugh to myself for a bit.

Try to not think about penguins

(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes)
This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about penguins anyway.

Scratch yourself

(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)

Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?

Repeat the same word over and over until it loses its meaning

(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)

Pick a random word out of a magazine and say it aloud to yourself until it becomes a meaningless set of noises. In my case, I picked the word 'bitch' and I don't even know why.

Pinch yourself

(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes)

What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

Try to swallow your tongue

(Amusement Potential: 1-2 minutes)

There's not much to say about this one. It is possible, but really stupid.

That was probably how bored I was and I was trying to not be tempted to do things that will make me look like a fool in the end. I rather look like a fool this way as compared to.. err 'that' way. Nevermind.

Oh, sidetracking, I think the Chipmunks and Chipettes are adorable.

I'm listening to a song now. It's been awhile since I last heard it. I wonder what it'd sound like if the Chipmunks and Chipettes sang it. See, I told you I'm anal like that.

I don't ask for much, but I would really want my brains to stop thinking tomorrow. Enough.

Bye.

"what day is it, and in what month, this clock never seem so alive"