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happy birthday to someone dear.

i hope you enjoyed your day.

you sure as hell deserve it.

:)

xx.

祝我生日快乐.

i remember telling Shaun something earlier this year.

maybe i really did jynx-ed myself.

:(

honestly, who would have thought?

then again, one can only try that hard or that much.

and so i keep telling myself it's okay.

and oh, Happy happy birthday to Me!

"i know being sad can't change anything...'

算了吧.

i think it's okay to wallow in sadness every now and then, not too often though.

i tried doing what i thought i could do best, pretend to be okay.

maybe if i pretend long enough, i will somehow be convinced i'm okay.

just when you think you ran out of tears, you stand corrected.

i am frustrated.

bye.

"apologies are suppose to mean something"

With All The Love In The World.

Dearest Bestie of mine,

Remember this? I was reading it today, actually I read/browse through every now and then when I am sad but ironically, I feel happy after that.

I guess what I'm trying to convey entirely is that, I hate being replaced and I miss you very, very much. Many times I avoid things is because I'll admit that I hate the fact that things has changed and the thought knowing that it won't be the same is not fine by me, at all. That ego of mine would not accept it. I want to be THE bestfriend.

I want to be the one that still make every tomdick&harry envy just because we come in a package. I even want your boyf to complain when you spend too much time with me, lol. Or the fact that some people are convinced that one day, YOU're gonna fall for me hahaha, we're gonna turn sideways.

Truth be told, I am scared. I don't know how I'd be like or react when we see each other eye to eye. I don't like awkward moments with you, that's a fact that was established ions ago. I secretly wished and thought it was possible that the day we see each other f2f, we'll look at each other while keeping quiet with tears in our eyes, and after staring long enough, we'll do our run and pounce on each other, hugging tightly and drowning ourselves with tears.

Just because I know you love me for who I am, and although many times, you may have tried giving up on me and still didn't made me realized that what we had wasn't mere 'temporary bestfriend friendship that is bound to part sooner or later'.

I know I have not been there for you. I didn't know how to. I was  telling Sree, I am frustrated and angry because on your 21st, I won't be giving the bestfriend speech and instead i'm just a party guest. UTTER NONSENSE babe! I hate it. You know how attention seeking/demanding I am when it comes to you.

So I sincerely apologized for my absence. 

I miss many things that we do together but at the moment if I had to pick one thing, i'd say i miss you writing me poems that rhymes! :)

Irene Jessica Lewis, imy.

I don't know when I'd be ready to come to terms with these stupid changes, but I'm trying okay.

OMG. i really just want to be able to see you and pretend like nothing happened.

which would imply that you'll be picking me up and showing me your retarded imy delaine face when i get in the car and we can go for our foot reflex, for what? just to waste money.

and i hope you got my 'bestfriend wannabe' joke. i am still mean and bitchy like that :D

xxxxx

These Tears Don't Dry On Their Own.

one too many things to rant about, here goes nothing.

i am simply amused at the fact that if one is persistent enough, one can actually succeed. what i'm saying is, i find it funny and to me it's a joke to see a 'bestfriend wannabe' actually made her way to the top, in replacement of me. note that this is not jealousy, i am just amused.

you know, i have never made any form of public declaration or announcement on the 'drama'. not because i was at fault or embarassed or anything. i just didn't see the need to announce it to the world because there was nothing to annouce in the first place and now to the world, i apparently 'walked out', wtf. so even the closest or acquaintances gives me the 'stare' everytime i bump into them. i don't know which is more disappointing, the fact that some of the closest just heard one side of the story and didn't even bother to ask me about it and took sides OR the fact that I befriended such people, enlighten me.

i mean, in all honesty, bias much? i really don't care what acquaintances or strangers think of me, but those that you grew up with in high school ends up judging or should i say, couldn't give a fcuk about finding out the truth first, is not acceptable.

people make mistakes. god knows how you compare or rate mistakes on a scale that gave you right to say my mistake is bigger than yours. goddamnit, and stop portraying me as some shitass lousy bestfriend that ditched her bestfriend for her other half. if i had the other half, then by all means. tiu.

i asked God kindly today, if i were to forfeit my birthday this year as a sacrifice, can i have better birthdays in the future? because i don't remember being happy without having to shed some tears at the same time for the past few birthdays.

all i'm really asking for is just a simple HAPPY birthday without me feeling like crap/shit on the week of my birthday, the day before my birthday, the day itself or after that. i don't think i'm asking for too much. seriously.

i'll be good, promise.

"hai ai ni.. dai yi tian hen.."