Yeah, that is exactly how I feel, don't judge.
It took me awhile to get this off my chest. They think I am indestructible. That one girl that always has a smile on her face, the one that has gone through nothing and has no scars. But i want them to understand me, to understand how hard is it to be in my position sometimes. Why can everyone else just fall apart, while I have to keep it all together?
I have been chasing footsteps long enough. I realized that it takes a whole lot of courage to tell yourself enough is enough and even when you know it, it requires even more courage and determination to walkaway. Hence, I respect those that knows how to love themselves and stop chasing those footsteps that people leave behind because they know they are not getting anywhere. It gets really draining but yet once you get used to the chase, it seems like there is no turning back. Wrong.
The past few days has been overwhelming. I don't know myself anymore. It is rather prevalent that I am either suppressing how I really feel or by the grace of God, I am fine. There is so much within me that I wish I could say but something is holding me back, I think it is pain. Don't get me wrong, I am not emo. I just feel that circumstances has made me bitter and I hate being bitter. Rest assured that I am making the conscious effort to smile everyday to reverse the order of bitterness.
Feels like I'm standing on top of a rooftop. This time, I won't allow myself to fall *crosses fingers* It feels pretty damn good standing at the peak and staring from above. That is how far I have come :) I think deep down somewhere, I am quite ready to forgive. I guess I just seem to have some trouble accepting the fact that someone I loved so dearly had the heart to crush me into a million pieces, just like that.
On a lighter note, I used to want everything to stay the same. But feelings fade and people change. So, I am going to make the best of what I am left with, and not let my future be based on my past.
So here's a smile on my face with someone that is significant to me and for a fact, she loves me, very much.
My nanny and I
"i hope you're true, cause playing tricks is not the game for you"
